My boss' voice literally gives me gas
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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