you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
