at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
