look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Sorry my hands just texted you
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
