His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
