census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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