I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
