i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
