Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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