stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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