I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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