Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
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I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
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Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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