So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
