you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
