just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
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Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
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We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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