Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
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She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
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I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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