JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
