Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
