I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
