so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
