Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
