His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
