I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
