it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
