Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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