You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Randomize
