either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
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They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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