i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
