Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
