Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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