Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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