How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
