Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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