Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
