I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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