nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
either way he was missing a nipple.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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