I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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