The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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