Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
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I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
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lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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