Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
