I feel great
I just peed on a car
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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