We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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