You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
