Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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