And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
We need to get me chipped asap
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
