What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
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We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
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I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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