sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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