Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
