I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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