I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
