I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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