that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
we're making bets on your personal life
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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