I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
