I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
